This is why we don't move forward until everybody has hit.
By: Brent Postal
The old rules of golf give us many things to avoid whilst playing. They tell us our drive must come to rest past the ladies tees. They explain how necessary it is not to stand even an inch in front of the tee box. But it’s 2009 and there are some new rules we should follow, if not for the sake of the game, at least to preserve our dignity. Here are five things that will leave you red in the face, and let me assure you, I’ve done them all.
Drive for negative yardage
This seems literally impossible at first glance, but alas, it happens. I recall the time this happened to me. I remember standing unconfidently on the tee box, going through my practice swings to loosen up. Our group was playing poorly, the beers were flowing, and I just wanted to kill the ball. The whole was a reachable par four if the drive is crushed, faded perfectly, and landed softly. I adjusted my grip, sought power from deep within my loins, and hoped for the best. The innermost part of the over-rotated club hit the ball on a dead line to my immediate left. I’d still be in the positive if not for a tree branch which provided a perfect backboard for arid Titleist. It banked off and landed in the woods behind the tee box. After one stroke, the whole was longer than it was when I tee’d up. Another stogey eased the pain.
Wreck a cart
It wasn’t that long ago (nine or ten years) that I played golf for the carts as much as the greens. My buddy and I would tear up the course, daring ourselves to drive over the worst terrain in sight – not to say that we weren’t good golfers, I remember a few 9-hole rounds in the low 40’s. One day we went a little too far and blew a tire. “How the hell are we going to take this back to the clubhouse,” I thought. Leave it young adolescent boys to scheme up a plan like this. When we returned it, I walked alongside to hide the deflated tire as my playing partner steered the cart. We wised up pretty quick after realizing we’d be financially responsible for such mishaps. Now, I hardly take them off the path.
Fall down the steps
Most courses have some sort of steps, usually wooden, that take the golfer up to a tee box or down to a green. These wooden steps are old but sturdy enough to hold even the guys wearing XXXL Polos. Well, in this case, the wood steps I was walking down had small gaps in them. And sure enough, one of my plastic cleats dug right in there. I went to lift said leg and it stuck to the step as if glued there as a prank. My momentum carried me forward and I fell down two more steps, on to my face. Worse yet, this was the first time playing with my girlfriend’s father. Quite an impression I made. As you can imagine, he offers me a hand every time we approach those steps.
Whiff
I haven’t whiffed since I first picked up a club. And I imagine anyone who’s ever played the game has missed completely at some point early in their development. However, it’s difficult to watch grown adults whiff at the ball during corporate outings. You know it’s bad when nobody says a word after strike one. The player is embarrassed and I’m embarrassed for them. If you can’t hit the ball every time, buy a couple hundred dozen range balls until you can. Sheesshh.
Endanger lives
I remember getting ready to start my round with a friend one time while a group ahead of us was letting us play through. They parked their cart ahead of us about twenty yards, well off to the left. Now, I have an annoying tendency to pull drives quite horribly, usually only on the first hole. Well, it was good thing they didn’t stay in the cart. I plunked it right on the number. I’m sure they felt better about letting us play through after that. It did ricochet onto the fairway, so it wasn’t a total loss.
If you can avoid doing any or all of these five embarrassing things, you’re doing just fine. Other situations like forgetting to zip up and leaving a big wad of asparagus in your teeth will inevitably pop up. Such is life. No matter where you play, something unexpected or uncomfortable will happen. Such is golf.
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